4th of July rules
by zog the angry chipmunk
Summary: Xeon has to do the worst set of rules since Christmas: the 4th, where possible weapons are sold in every store.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Bionicle.

Boom

The noise caused Xeon to jump out of his bed. In the night sky, dozens of fireworks were going off. The ground was covered in so many sparklers it looked like the lights of a megacity below him. Xeon leaned back from his window and sighed. At least he could enjoy beautiful summer weather. He inhaled and promptly choked on the fumes and ash from the ongoing display. He muttered in defeat, knowing he couldn't sleep through the noise, before wandering to his table and turning on the lightstone to write some rules.

Xeon is not to be awakened by fireworks at 3:00 A.M., especially when it is only June.

Large fireworks and mortars are to go at least 30 feet in height before exploding.

No more than 40 sparklers and assorted mini fireworks may be set off by one person at one time.

Bottle rockets are not to be aimed so that they collide in midair and fall in a flaming mass of destruction toward the ground.

Red, white and blue sparklers: Good. Spelling the words "Go me!" in sparklers: Bad.

Worse when said sparklers set something on fire.

Do not celebrate the 4th of July by waving a flag with your own face on it.

Suppliers must limit firework sales to 5 mortars and 80 assorted fireworks per being.

It isn't okay to convince Renegade to make "fireworks" with the weapons on his flagship.

It isn't okay to hurl those little snapper things at the fuses of larger fireworks to make a strange and insane domino effect.

Never attempt to dismantle the fireworks and custom-make your own.

The standard rules. Never set off a firework towards someone or someone's belongings. Never approach a 'dud' firework. Always get away quickly after lighting a firework so you aren't burned. Never make Malum be Uncle Sam.

It isn't okay to put gasoline on gunpowder and pretend it's nothing but mud.

Patriotism is encouraged. However, it is not okay to celebrate by starting a revolution and making your own country. Especially when it's something like, "My personal space is legally its own country. If you want a hug you need a passport."

Although it's fun to do that.

Try to stick with modern technology. It's much safer than it was in the past. In other words, no using anything from before the human's turn of the century, and especially no using the Revolutionary War-era weapons to launch fireworks.

Yes, the eagle is the symbol of the country whose freedom we are celebrating. No, you can't have one as a pet and no, you can't train one as an attack bird to peck people you dislike.

I shouldn't have to say this but no flaming tennis balls may be used for fireworks.

Ackar, Raanu, please stop Berix from celebrating. Also, ban napalm from the market.

Hydrix, Takora, we know you're red and blue. That doesn't mean we 'must bow to you'. So stop already or you'll find yourselves magnetized to a flagpole till the 6th.

Yes, there is lots of fun to be had in summer. Please refrain from combining summer sports like 'Marco Polo' with things such as firecrackers.

Never use elemental powers when celebrating. I understand it's exciting but Rak caused a hurricane to occur while fireworks were going off and nearly started a bonfire with the sparks.

All Fire Toa except Tahu and Ackar are banned from the use of sparklers. This is because Cilix got Jaller and Takora to help him use the sparklers, bent end to end, to make a castle and then set it on fire, creating a mass of explosive gold sparks bright enough to make Takanuva look like a lightning bug. Also, did I mention that it had bottle rockets in it?

Xeon sighed. He trudged back to his bed and sat down. The moment his head touched the pillow, it set off a snapper. His head jerked up and the sting from the snapper was replaced by the pain from wrenching the back of his neck. He muttered, thanking the Great Beings that he was mostly mechanical.


	2. Chapter 2

Xeon muttered to himself. The 4th of July was not going well at all.

RULES:

In no instances is it appropriate to affix any firework to any vehicle or building.

Any fireworks or other pyrotechnics offered by Renegade are to be turned down.

Do not aim bottle rockets anywhere except for straight up.

Do not affix any pyrotechnics to any monument.

Fireworks may burn no hotter than 900 degrees Fahrenheit.

No pyrotechnic work may be used in any way to deface property, including using sparklers to scorch your initials or name into my door.

Holding a match: good. Wearing a crown of fountain-style fireworks: bad.

No group of fireworks may collectively exceed 2,000 pounds. I shouldn't have to say this, but no collection of fireworks may have a collective explosion potential above that of 600 pounds of TNT.

If a single ground-level pyrotechnic is above weapon grade, it is to be used with caution outside of residential areas.

When using mortars, the mortar should be designed to reach high enough that no sparks will survive. Also, ensure you have lots of water.

When setting off fireworks designed to emit noise, such as booms or screeching sounds, ensure it is a polite distance from living things or noise-sensitive equipment.

It is considered unsafe to sew a dress and then put it on a mortar shell. This can weigh down the mortar. By the way, when it has a colored contrail, it doesn't look anything like a ghost.

Do not design fireworks to display any form of language. O is acceptable simply because it is only a circle. Words such as BEWARE THE GNOME are not to be used.

Do not try to shoot fireworks as they are launched unless they are dangerous and your attempt does not make them more dangerous.

Do not launch fireworks inside or from any weapon.

Don't attach a picture/figurine of an enemy to a firework. It's creepy.

Don't attach an enemy's property to a firework either.

Don't use the word 'muahaha' when making/using a firework. It causes unrest.

Do not launch fireworks into water or ice.

Do not launch fireworks into cyclones or they'll become spiraling cones of death and destruction. That's

Do not enlist the help of an evil mad scientist in the use or construction of fireworks.

It IS okay to bury some smoke bombs in a thin layer of gravel. Plus it looks really cool.

Under no circumstances are fireworks to be used by malevolent robots.

Violation of these rules may lead to arrest.

THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO SET OFF FIREWORKS ON ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PROPERTY.

Do not put snappers in your palm and then slap someone. This can cause severe physical harm.

That's

Ackar is ticked off. Stop using him to set off fireworks.

ICE/WATER TOA: Do NOT use elemental powers on fireworks before lighting them.

It isn't okay at all to do anything involving a volcano and fireworks.

It isn't okay to paint someone else red white and blue.

It isn't okay to superglue any Ice, Water/Lightning and Fire beings together and then glue them to the flagpole.

I understand patriotism. That doesn't make it okay to arrest people.

Xeon finished the list. Reflexively, he ducked. A bottle rocket zoomed through his window, detonating on the wall.

FOOTNOTE: Do not use flaming lengths of carbon as jewelry.

END


End file.
